Ein beliebiger, höherer Microsoft-Mitarbeiter, nennen wir ihn hier mal zufällig Steve, wird wegen der bevorstehenden Releases von Windows Vista und der Konkurrenz durch die Playstation 3 wohl zunehmend nervös.
Ein geheimer, wieseliger Informant (aus dem Humorix Vast Spy Network?) hat uns eine Fotokopie des folgenden, leicht angesengten Tagebucheintrags zugespielt:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ein geheimer, wieseliger Informant (aus dem Humorix Vast Spy Network?) hat uns eine Fotokopie des folgenden, leicht angesengten Tagebucheintrags zugespielt:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear proponents of patented proprietary programs and admirers of amazingly astonishing alpha-males,
my name is Steve and it is my duty (even though I know it wouldn't be necessary) to inform you about some of the outstanding advantages of our new Vista operating system, the only OS that was, is and will be the only OS that will ever provide ROI (reckless organization income) for any company using it.
Considering this, one need not wonder that the absolute majority of companies worldwide, convinced by the great services provided by our company, don't want to change to any other operating system and fear the outstanding capabilities of our lawyers enough in order not to dare to (did I just say that out loud?).
Anyways, probably some of the readers of this undisputedly unbiased pamphlet who have already had the questionable opportunity to get to know some of the“darker” circles, be it employees in law enforcement or psychiatric facilities, I'm not blaming anyone here, probably know the thing called an “alternative operating system”. And I'm not talking about some eccentric and masochistic, yet harmless, gay designers, who use that Mac OS X thing, here, no, I'm referring to the real sick stuff: There is a thing called Linux, deliberately attacking the great liberal values defended by our Great Operating System (you can't use this phrase, by the way! It's trademarked. Seriously, this belongs to us. You don't want to become a thief, do you?).
The threat posed by this Linux “software” has been suitably summarized by the great columnist Carl McHide in the independent news publication Redmond Software Observer:
“This Linux thing is not only an insidious attack on serious, trustworthy computing, liberal western society, the American Way Of Life, traditional harmony within society and family and everything between human rights and the poor dolphins gazing with their hazel eyes out of the shores of a pacific atoll, no, last but worst, it claims to be an alternative to the only true operating system worldwide, which is Windows OS!”
Since everybody knows that Windows is the only reliable and true OS worldwide, one might wonder how a loose collection of some chaotic lines of code, tossed in by some stoned teen-hippie every now and then can even possibly get the reputation as an “operating system”. Well, I don't need to start again with the tale of the liberal media and the vicious Googleplex that is promoting Linux just in order to hurt us (mean, mean guys!), since you probably know about that conspiracy anyways.
However, even though bribed weasel-reporters convey the impression that Linux is a usable system there is not much need to worry. Why? Because in the long run our Windows system will always be advantageous for everybody and generate common welfare. Let me point out some of the situations where Window's infallibility can play out it's card:
It is generally known that Linux is a loose collection of undocumented, obscure code (weird, weird stuff) and that it can not run any applications on it's own. That is why it is chiefly used by some Eastern European universities for academic research, because they can not afford a decent operating system and some hardcore communists all along from Cuba to North Korea.
Most tech-gurus and experts, including our own technological evangelist Zak N. Kaz, therefore con not help but argue for the inferiority of Linux:
“Outside of [these] circles, really nobody uses it and there is no need to. On Linux you need a software called WineX in order to run proper DirectX applications. WineX has been written by some poor Russian hackers staring in the barrel of the gun of the local mafia boss because the Russians couldn't stand having to pay for an operating system and therefore wanted an alternative they could easily steal. Linux can be easily stolen, mainly because of weak security measures by it's hippie creators but leaves the “user” (in fact it can't really be used...) without applications like MS Word or Photoshop; therefore WineX is needed.”
But you better believe me – WineX, as Linux as a whole, sure as freezing hell (though I hope it's not getting too cold here anytime soon), infringes on our patents and, even worse, it won't be able to run DirectX-10 Code and is hence not “Windows Vista Capable”, which is a necessary certificate for every operable operating system nowadays.
The first point however, will enable us to sue Linux – not out of our own interests, but in order to protect the thing most holy for us, the consumers, from a system as dangerous as this so called “operating system”.
One problem we face is the refusal of some European left-wing extremists to implement software patents in the European Union. For a normally thinking individual this may seem preposterous, but those European left-wing extremists are very fundamentalistic concerning their so called legislature and insist on the fact that those patents have been disallowed by the European parliament.
This, however, is only partly true. As Dimitru N. Orlok, leader of our Microsoft Research Team in Transylvania, points out: “Software patents were already disallowed by the Hitler-Stalin Pact of 1939 because Hitler feared that the armies of his enemies could be supplied with superior patented American software and hence didn't want to use any software at all.”
Germans, underdeveloped as ever, actually didn't use any software at that time, as our Research Lab confirmed.
Thus, we will only be able to defend ourselves proactively and aggressively against the Linux threat, if the Europeans drop their antiquated laws, which we will be insistently enforcing (still want academic licenses, anybody?).
Once this will have been dealt with, nothing will separate mankind from common welfare any more,
yours sincerely diabolically,
Steve
PS: Don't trust Satan, Novell! We are still the better choice! We do have advanced torture techniques and are able to have plagues cast upon earth, as our milestone Windows ME has shown in the past and future efforts like DirectX-10 are going to impressively demonstrate again!
